I am having one of the worst days ever.  Yes I mean that sersiously, Im so sick with this bug that I couldn’t go to my mental health appointment , (Im so sick that it hurts to breathe and having asthama that is really not good) and today was one of those days that I really really needed to go!!  My day started badly because of the bank.  Stupid bank was not open on Columbus Day ( which I knew would happen) but their computer had issues and was something like three days behind when they opened the next day which was a Tuesday ( at least according to the person I talked to) well said bank’s computer had said everything I had used my debit card ( which  I hardly ever use)  had been paid already and it hadn’t.  So thinking that the “availible balance” quoted to me was correct,  I took out money to pay bills and buy groceries and such. Well the next day I get a call telling me that my account is now overdrawn by 100 dollars.  ( great sarcasm meant ) so the bank informs me that I will be charged 8 dollars per day that it is overdrawn. So fast forward to today the bank decided to demand an advance that was not supposed to be due until Nov 5th,  so the bank took my entire ssi check for November and then informed me that I could not take any more advances because ” when your account is more than 13 days overdrawn that is suspened indefinatly.”  ( great… thanks jerks) Not bad enough you take all my money but then cut off any thing I could have used to get more money.  So I call my mom and ask her if she can possibly send me money. Her and her fiance give his oldest son 1,000 buck a month and he can and does work!  She just gave my brother 2 grand to get a house ( and complained horribly about it but still gave it to him) she tells me ” all I can send you is 250 ( that pays 2 bills  and I will still be hurting to pay my other bills buy food etc) and then goes on to lecture me about getting money orders and not using payday place loans ( like I didn’t know that more on that in a minute) so I just say thanks I appricate it.  The thing that slays me with her is that she has a lot of money that she got from selling my grandparents house n such, but she wants to spend 5 grand on getting siding for her house, which I can understand her wanting something for herself but the kicker is this: she doesn’t have walls on the inside of her house!! She hasn’t in 7 years!!!  I mean call me crazy but why the hell side the outside of the house when you have no walls???  I mean come on!!  Id be more worried about the inside of my house not the outside of it!  She said she wants to cut down on her power bills even though she stays at her fiance’s house most of the time. 

So she goes on to complain how if she knew that she’d be giving me and my brother money she wouldn’t have botherd getting this siding job done, she hasn’t even got them started on the work!! They have not done one thing yet and she worries over having the money for when they “get around to it”

Yes I realize taking those payday place loans are bad all around, but what other options do I have?  My ex hubby ruined my credit beyond repair and I don’t have anything saved up because all of my money goes to bills and buying what we need.   We don’t have a lot of extras or debts but the basic prices of bills keeps going up and up.  I can’t get credit cards or bank loans so when I need money I am stuck with check into cash type places.  Mom and I have had this talk before, she hates it when I ask for money and doesn’t always have it to give me, but she thinks that because she can live on virtually no money that everyone should be able to do that too.

See thing with my mom is this:  She does not eat. I mean doesn’t eat!! She eats once a day if even that ( she complains it kills her stomach she’s had eating disorders for years and years and doesn’t realize all the years she starved herself has made her unable to eat large amounts of food she eats less than a 2 year old!) she does not turn up her heat if its cold, she just piles on more clothes ( I can’t move when Im wearing 6 layers but I am looking into getting those snuggies) she has the lowest minutes possible on her cell phone, she only has her line and does not text anyone or get texts from anyone.  She doesn’t have kids to buy clothes for ( me and my brother are adults) she isn’t feeding a child, paying for any school books etc. So she really doesn’t get it. 

Then she made a comment that made me really upset, she told me that “this is why you shouldn’t waste your time and your money on stupid college, you should just work while K is in school all day and get what you can and if you need to find a cheaper apartment in a not so safe neighborhood then do it but college is a waste of your time.”  I told her I felt like I needed to get sick and let her go.  The reason this comment made me upset is because once again she is proving that she cannot be supportive of me, been the same shit my whole life and I don’t know why I keep expecting anything diffrent.

I told her when I started school that I want my degree ( I want more than one actually) because I can get a better job with one than without one.  Hell I can’t pay bills working some fast food job. Most jobs aren’t going to hire you when you can’t work nights or weekends ( and I can’t because I have no child care for those hours)   I have looked for cheaper apartments every time my lease comes up for renewal, but it is hard to find 2 bedroom apartments that allow pets in half way decent neighborhoods.   I refuse to live next door to pedofiles, or people cooking up dope, or questionable people who show up as having criminal records.  I don’t want to worry that if K goes outside to play that somone will take her and abuse her  or that if  I leave the door unlocked to get my mail that I will come home to find all of my things stolen.  Im not living in some apartment that I was told some girl lived in and some guy broke in and sexually assulted her and the landlords let him keep on living there even after he was convitcted! He got paroled and they let him live in the building!!  None of that is worth it to me at least not to save a lousy 10 or 15 bucks a month cuz that is all I would be saving. The place I live now pays for my water, and trash pick up so that is two bills I don’t have to worry about.  Until last winter my power bills were never more than 120 dollars a month.  Everything though has gone up in price and the bankrupt state of IL ’s idiot governor’s solution is to keep raising taxes on everything to help the state pay its bills which makes all of the bills and everything we need to buy to  up too.

So here I am living on the same income as I was 7 years ago and everything has went up but my income has not.  Fuck Face ( or FF  this is T’;s name for my ex hubby and it fits him perfectly) does not give a crap if  his kids go without.  Everytime I try to tell him and his wife that the kids need clothes etc I get “we got bills we can’t help”  I say nothing but I want to scream at him WTF?? You make 23 dollars an hour at your job!!! She gets her ssi ( she has MS) and works on the side ( and the sly ss doesn’t know she does this other job)  doing home health care for freinds of her mom’s it is just you and her , her kids are adults how the hell do you never have any money??? 

I guess I get angry because if he had the kids living with him, Id live in a one bdrm or even one room apartment and live as cheap as I could  so I could give him more money.  Hell they both drive cars with expenisive payments, everytime I see them they have on name brand clothes  and they don’t ever come get the kids to take them to their house ( saying they don’t have the gas money) so I have no idea why they think they need some 3 bdrm house rather than just having a 1 bdrm apartment with some or all the utilities paid.  Of course I get that their money is theirs and they should get to spend it as they want to, but when our kids need things they should be willing to make sacrifies. I sure as hell do.  I remember one winter they came to get K for xmas break, I didn’t have a winter coat because I had to buy the kids each one, here they come in his brand new truck and in matching Harley Davidson Leather Jackets.  Then he goes onto tell me how this truck payment is 380 a month.  I wanted to slap him I was so mad.  I mean there you are spending 380 a month for a car when you could get something much cheaper and I am going with no coat in 20 degree weather when I have ashtma because there is no money for a coat!!

FF has the same mentality my mom does the kids need just a minimal of everything.  Hell when I was growing up I had 1 pair of shoes ( tennis shoes) a windbreaker, a winter coat, 3 sweatshirts , 3 pairs of jeans and 3 tshirts that was it  oh and 6 pr underwear and 10 pr socks.  My mom’s mentality was that my brother and I could have that little clothing  and just wear the same outfit for 2 or 3 days then do laundry.  That was enough because God forbid that she didn’t pay the bills in full the day they were due!  She tried telling me to do that with K and N today actually she told me that. I told her “no I refuse because not only do kids make fun of you for not having anything, but then the teachers think your child is negelected as well.”  Not to mention as I try to tell her and FF you can’t wear long sleeves and pants in 90 degree humid hot IL summer weather, nor can you wear t shirts sandals and cut offs in the middle of 20 degree blizzards.  They both have the mentality that “the kids will be ok” and to make them just “make do” ( no wonder they get along so well, because they act just alike * rolls eyes*)

I am more like my dad, I am going to sacrifice so my kids can have things.  I have duct taped my shoes and worn them like that so I could buy my kids new shoes, I drive my cars till they fall apart and can no longer run,  I wear my clothes till they fall apart and if I have to live on cereal  and baked potatoes so that K can eat I do just that.  I am so tired of being told to “cut back on expenses” when its really not possible to do that.  Pay phones are nearly non existant anymore, the phone through the cable company is worse than a cell phone is and costs 38 bucks a month then its not with me if I have to run out.  There have been a few times that school has called saying K is sick and I haven’t been home and the poor kid has had to be at school for more than an hour before I got home to get the call.  I have went without cable but it makes me crazy to do so we don’t have a lot of good movies mostly disney things the kids have outgrown,  we don’t rent movies because we can’t afford to , we’ve seen everything at the libary all ready at least 5 times,  we don’t eat out, or go to movies, we don’t take vacations or have extra things to do so cable is the  only entertainment we get to have.   I was going to go through the phone company for my internet and apparntly they did not do what they said they would with the phone bill from when T n I were roomates and are telling me I still owe a 375 dollar bill ( ouch) and until I pay it off in full they won’t let me get dsl from them.  They don’t do cable at my apartment complex since the place won’t give them a franchise agreement for every apartment.

I use 90% of everything generic I keep the bills as low as I can, the only “new ” furniture we have in our house is K’s bed that  was a bday gift for her.  My mattress is now 2 years old but everything else?  Its all second hand, pawn shops, cast offs from the apartments out here,  or used furniture stores.  The majority of our clothes come from thrift stores, so I don’t see how I can “cut back” on much of anything.  I know the first thing I need to do is get rid of those payday place loans. 

The truth is my ptsd ( post tramatic stress disorder) has been bothering me lately ( mostly cuz I don’t want to deal with any of the stuff that caused it aka talk about it) and I have been getting so depressed again that I can’t get out of bed somedays..  I would have told Amy all of this ( my therapist) but I was too sick to go in.  I wish the doctor would call back already, my lungs feel like they will fall out of my sides!!  I did call the nurse helpline number I have and the nurse told me that its most likely muscle aches but when you have ashtma even a head cold can make you feel as though you have pain in the location of your lungs since they are having to work harder than normal so you can breathe.. great.. ( more sacrasm)  I just need to win the lottery ( gotta play it first) wish I could be lucky like my mom is at bingo, she plays every Sat and wins 400 dollars or more each time! ( lucky duck)

not going to use their name~ wrote on Oct 28, 2009 8:46 PM:

” Hypotheticaly speaking,if a person currently draws ssi and rely’s on public aid, why would they even worry themself about how the the Governor gets money or how he intends on paying it back?Those people don’t contribute to paying taxes anyway. “

Me: Just because one “hypthoetically speaking” happens to be on ssi for disablitiy and recives a medical card ( the only public aid I happen to recive) does not mean they want to see their state goverement bankrupt everyone in the state! Just because I don’t have to pay taxes does not mean I don’t worry about the state’s or even the nations economy. I don’t live in a bubble, I pay attention to the world around me, and when I hit the polls to elect any goverment official; local, state or federal I like to be informed on all the issues and where each candidate stands or has stood in the past. Also if the Governor passes higher state sales taxes or imposes higher fees on license plate stickers that does affect everyone, including those of us who are on ssi and public aid. I hope that satisifes your question.

* Yes I realize I am a smart alek!!!!! >=) The reason I replied the way I did was because there was a blip in my local paper that I read online that said Governor Quinn wants to borrow more yes MORE money to pay Illinois bills that we can’t currently pay!!!

The other day someone made a comment that ” as somone that recives ssi is being kept afloat by their goverement shouldn’t complain as bitterly as you do”

Hmm really?? I should just sit back and watch while my goverment acts like a drunken pirate and pilages and plunders everyone’s wallets???

The truth is I am on ssi because I am unable to work. I techincally recive it for the mental illness I have because my back injury ( thank you united facilities and perfomance temps and applegate nursing homes) was not “upheld” by the places that caused and worsened the injury because they did not want to have to own up to the fact that I was hurt at their place of employment. The nursing home I got hurt being made to pick up somone that was a 2 person lift by myself!!! They got into their wheelchair ok, but I could not straighten back up, was taken by amublance ( that should have been their first clue something was wrong) to the hospital and was told I “possibly ruputerd a disk in my lower back” of course only 2 people would back me up that the charge nurse told me to do such a thing, and they got fired for being honest!! I quit that job (ingrates) took 6 weeks off work ( doctor’s orders ) to heal and went to work.

The re-injury happend the same time I took out my left knee ( which I had to have surgery on a few years ago, it healed and then eveually got worse until I needed surgery) I was working at united falicities, slipped on one of their dammed floor pallets took out my knee and had another fully loaded pallet fall on me, ( I was face down) the thing hit my lower back. Performance Temps would not own up to the fact the place they sent me injured me, and United Facillities paid all my medical bills and at the time I was uninsured so I didn’t try to fight it ( I know now I should have sued both places for whatever I could have gotten) The addiction to painkilers came from this injury, then when I was married ( ex hubby) thought it was a good idea once while fphyiscally abusing me to throw me down on our concrte front porch steps guess what part of my body landed on the steps?? Yep you guessed right my lower back. It has never been bad enough to need surgery but if my lower back hurts within 5 minutes my entire sciatic nerve is messed up so bad that it hurts to sit up or stand or do anything. I cannot usually stand more than 2 hours unless I am constanly moving or my back can and sometimes does lock up to where I cannot move!!

But since I didn’t need surgery I was told I could not get disabiltiy for it. My depression became so crippling at one point that I was in the hostpital twice in less than 6 months and could not get out of bed so my agent at social security told me to “use the bipolar disorder to get your ssi”

I have always prided myself on being an informed person. I am very patricotic and to me part of that patriotism means I need to be up on the issues, all of the issues I need to know what goes on in the world around me, not live in some bubble and close myself off from life ( though more and more that thought is beyond tempting to me I am starting to really truly hate yes I do mean hate people in general)

Just because I do not have to pay taxes does not mean that I want everyone in this country or in my state who does pay them to be bankrupt!! I do not want to see my children’s future pillaged and plundered until there is nothing left for them. I do not want to see a future that is black, dark and bleak, where there is no hope, no opprotunities. If taxes go up they don’t only go up on income , they go up on everything else. The cost of gasoline, food, goods and services. If the state raises its sales tax I still have to pay that. Just for the record the only way a person does not pay tax on food is if they are on food stamps which I am not.

Part of the reason I am starting to be so “anti people” is because I am so tired of being hurt. Anyone that knows me knows how I am; if somone is hungry I feed them, if they are homeless I want to house them, I do as much as I possibly can for others and I always have. For the most part I don’t get it back. The stuff that happened with Jason n Stacy was really the last straw for me, it broke the easy trust I used to have in people. I have still helped people since then, but sometimes I still get duped. Sometimes, people will just take away their friendship and not even tell me why, even though I have done countless things for them. Or I will babysit for them every single time they’ve needed me to, waited outside after school for their kid because they are too busy getting a pedicure or running around doing things and not paying attention to the time, but the second I have needed them to return the favor its like I’ve asked them to give me a kidney. They may do it but complain about it, they may say in a snotty tone of voice ” well I got K from school for you, I hope you don’t make this a habit?” I’ve usually apologized for making them inconivenced but in my head I’ve been screaming “excuse me??? all of the times I do things for you, heck I spend more time with your kids than you or their father does and you can’t return the favor once??” “Heck I pretty much raise your kids and the one time I need a hand you can’t be botherd???” Of course I am too nice to say that to anyone.

I can tell you the last time I got “duped” and it really upset me to no end.. I was in McDonald’s eating lunch, it was on one of them days where I’ve been running all day paying bills and such and had not eaten all day long. Outside the window I see a family of 5 standing by a beat up van, holding a sign saying “family stranded, broke and hungry please help” being the good samaritain I am, I tell the cashier to also give me 5 hamburgers, 5 bottles of water and 5 of their apple dippers and then ask her if somone can take the food to the family, she tells me how nice I am and says yes somone can take it out to them. I go to sit down and this guy sits next to me and says ” miss that was a really nice thing you did, but I have to tell you some bad news, I live down the street from that family they both have a decent paying job and they will take that old van of theirs that usually sits in the yard out and hold up that sign to get people to buy them and their kids a meal out someplace” He says he has called the cops numerous times but unless they are caught in the act there is nothing that can be done.

Now first of all I just mumble a thanks to him and go on eating, but I felt sick to my stomach. I don’t know if this guy was being honest (but then why would he lie about something like that) or if these people were really the type of people that would use their children to gain a meal out? Then I think about “balloon boy” look at how we all were duped by that family!!! The kids dad just wanted a reality tv show, he had no real emergency and had the nation in a panic looking for this child!!!

Not only a gross and inhumane use of the 911 emergency services but of the Amber Alert system that was issued when the boy went missing as well. There are people out there that do not care who they hurt and I have known more than a few of them in my lifetime. I just read a story today about this 67 year old man in Texas that did not know he won the lottery and gave the clerk at the gas station his winning ticket the clerk told him he won $2.00 and took the ticket and money for himself!!!!

It never occurs to me to hurt, abuse, or use anyone. Heck even if I am starving I don’t like to go to the food pantrys and ask for help because there is probaly somone out there that needs the help more than I do. ( that has only happend once to me thank goodness) Jason used to tell me how naive I was, how easy I was to fool and I told him “I am not navie, Im just not an uncaring, manipultive person who has no soul, I care about others and I could never purposely use or hurt somone just because I could because I couldn’t live with myself if I acted that way”

So back to the original thought of this post.. it does not matter to me that I don’t pay income taxes I do pay taxes on everything else and I certainly am suffering from this recesion as much as anyone else is.
Since I am a U.S. Citizen born and raised here, I think that I will continue to have an opinion even if other people don’t like it.

I am becoming increasingly frustrated with the school district.  First off they do not have all of the “half day/out of school ” days posted on the calender parents were given at the begining of the year.  Thursday this week the kids get out at noon, was not on the calender.  Friday there is no school due to parent teacher confrences  that was not posted on the calender.  Last week or maybe it was the week before they had an early dismissal day again, not posted. How in the world do these schools expect parents to be able to make arrangments if there is just no notice as to when there will be early dismissal days or school’s out days.

Now there is another rule that sticks in my head that I find stupid as can be.  These kids are allowed to miss 10 days a year that is it. What school does not get is that kids get sick, this is cold and flu season and according to our doctor’s nurse there are 135 kids out sick currently at the middle school.   Also doctors, dentists, and mental health service places cannot make every appointment for “after school”   I typically try to do before or after school or I try to make them for days  when there is no school but then some things are not open then either like if there is a holiday. 

Now the other thing is that if you’re on a medicaid card then you go to doctors etc when they tell you to otherwise you may not get to go for 6 months!!  Even though K is now on her dad’s insurance I still have medicaid as secondary so I still need to go when the doctor etc says so.   To me if school lets them out for things such as Cashimer Polasky day ( what signifagance he plays to the US I don’t know) and teacher confrences  then they can excuse illness and doctor appointments.   I do get very very vocal with the school as well when they mention something about her being out sick  or missing school like she did today  due to back to back doctor appoinments.   I don’t know about anyone else, but Im 36 we didn’t get to miss school for parent teacher cnofrences much, maybe towards the end of the year, heck your teacher met with your mom n dad after school or you had a substitute teacher and your teacher met with parents in another room.  It would be nice if the school district was organized better than they are.

Yah yah, I know that line is so vintage “The Rock” but I love my WWE.  I was talking to K earlier and we were talking about how some of her freinds have ran up huge huge cell phone bills on their phones that are on their parents lines.  I am so glad that she obeys my rules with her cell phone. She’s great at taking care of it and not loosing it, paying attention to her minutes used not downloading things etc.. Probaly because I scared her a little, on purpose..

We bond watching Wrestling togther 4 nites a week. I told her you  sass me and act up the cell phone goes for one day at a time, and we go from there. You break any of the cell phone rules.. I will do a little ” 5 knuckle shuffle” ( John Cena’s finishing move) on you, and there will be no more phone till you are 18.  Now she knows I’d never do the ” U can’t see me” thing on her cuz I’d never hurt her but I think the fact that she would never have a phone until she had a job and could pay for it and put it in her name legally was enough to scare her.  I think one of the best things about being a mom is what Roseanne says ” you have all these little people and you can really mess up their heads forever.. because only mom say things like didn’t I tell you not to talk with your mouth full answer me. “

I found out today that  a freind of two of my buddies ( we’ve been freinds since high school) passed away  recently. They belive it was an overdose but aren’t sure.  This week marked the fourth year my dad has been gone.  I still miss him a lot.  My mom really pissed  me off this week, I reminded her about it on Wednesday ( the 14th)  and she had the nerve to tell me  “Maria I just don’t want to talk about it or even think about it because of how much he hurt me” ok I could have understood that, but then she went way way over the top and had the nerve to “glorify” my a**hole ex hubby because he was nice enough ( for a change) to help my brother n his fiancee move into their new house.  She had the gall to tell me that “maybe he isn’t as bad as you make him out to be”   What??!!! Seriously??!!!!  I had to hang up with her I was so upset.  I rarely get mad, but I was in such a rage I was phsyically shaking.

I mean he abused me in every possible way, I still have severe emotional scars from the stuff he did to me, and forget me , lets focus on what is more important, that he never was much of a dad when we were married and he’s even less of one now.  I get that he and his wife live 3 hours away, but he never even calls the kids.  How hard is it to call your kids???  Once every 3-6 months doesn’t cut it daddy dearest.  I just don’t think you can play parent when you feel like it, you either do it or you don’t.  Ever since I had my son nearly 15 years ago, my life has been all about my children. Hell I moved 3 hours away from everyone I know to be with my son and I go everday to visit him.  Even when I’m so depressive I don’t want to get out of bed I go because I know N is depending on me to be there to see him.

I talked to my therapist about the thing with my mom and she told me she thinks I handled it well, I really wanted to tear into my mom because I can’t fathom why she’d say what she did about my ex hubby.  She has never met P but, I keep on telling her that he treats me the way I deserve to be treated.  Hell he is a better dad to my kids than their biological dad is hell for that matter so is my brother  T and he’s locked up in prison!!!

My mind is all over the place atm, but I have been thinking a lot about the things I did in the past.  I would never change having my kids, but I would change a lot of other things.  I know that it would be easy as could be to slide back into my self-destructive negative behaviors but I’m choosing not to indulge that.  I know that my sponsor is right in that I need to get back to a meeting where there is more than just the two of us, ( you can have a meeting with two addicts/alcoholics)  I told him I’m not naive enough to belive that drowning my feelings in a bottle of anything is going to make anything better so I won’t do that no matter what.  But I was honest with him in that sometimes that is all I want to do. Run for the alcohol.  Not the other stuff I used to do, but certainly the booze.   I just don’t feel like feeling all this pent up frustration and stuff that I have. 

The truth of everything is  this; I feel 100% screwed up and I am ready to give up.   Give up on thinking good things will happen to me, give up on that will feel the way I did before I allowed Jason to come into my life full force, use me, manipulate me and abuse me, breaking my trust in humanity so completly that I have a hard time opening up to anyone or trusting anyone.  A lot of not wanting to open up to people is that I am afraid of what they will say if I tell them the truth about me. 

My “Burg” people love me regardless but they are my family ( that means mostly my friends not just my blood relatives) but what about people I meet where I’m living at now?  I am honest with some people about my addiction history but not with many because I am afraid of their judgments.  I remember last time I got really depressive like this and A asked me if I was “back on the sh**” of course I wasn’t and I told her so. ( all my feelings about her is a whole other can of worms) there are times and days that I just don’t feel as though I have that once strong and firm grip on sanity.  But if I let go what lies beneath is scary. I don’t have it in me to go to the hosptial one more time, not only because of the consequences to my kids (which is my most important reason) but because I’m not sure I can come back from another time of being in that very very dark place.

I feel guilty complaing too. I mean really guitly.  There are people fighting cancer, fighting for their lives , my big brother T is locked up in prison has been since like 1993 and will be till like 2020 or something like that. He and I write faithfully though and he has been a great source of support for me and I for him which I am grateful for.  For his Bday I sent him a picture of our dad and he was so happy to have it since he didn’t have any.  He said that he loves getting letters from me and his beautiful neice because just when he feels that everyone has forgotten him, he gets a letter from us or my bff  Dar who I asked to write to him as well.

Maybe I should blog more than I have been, getting this stuff out of my head so it stops eating away at my heart. I know one thing for certain though,  I am tired of living my life consumed by fears.

So first things first, I can tackle how I feel about this freind of my freinds passing away:  it breaks my heart. I didn’t know Damon well, but I had met him a couple of times, he was friends with my freinds MN and DB and now Damon is gone.  It made me think of how many times I have not gotten to say goodbye to those I love that have passed away; Donnie, Grandma, Dad, Grandpa.  I did get to see my Uncle Albert before he passed away, actually went to see him at the nursing home when I went back home for my Grandpa’s funeral.  I was happy to see him and he me. He told K that she looks like I did at her age and she laughed.  He was getting teased by his nurse because of having so many  “pretty girls” in his room.  It was; me, my mom, K, my cousin Kelly, her two daughters, and then my brother with his two daughters.  I am so grateful I went because when he passed away in August at least I had the chance for once to say goodbye.  There is something about goodbye for me…  Now I know most people hate goodbyes, I don’t.  I treasure them for one reason; if I never have another day with them, another moment with them then at least I got that last moment  with them.

I think that is why a lot of what happend with A hurt me so much,  she stopped being my friend out of nowhere, never gave me a reason for taking her freindship from me, just took it and left.  Maybe for her what I thought was a freindship and a deep meaningful one at that didn’t mean as much to her, or maybe it was all an illusion.  I like illusions on tv, and for magic tricks just not in my life!!!  I don’t like that feeling when something shatters to peices all around me.  I hate it when I think I can feel safe and secure and that I have something or somone, and then its just dust in my hands.

I often have refered to myself as a broken doll. See in the olden days dolls had soft bodies and china faces, hands, legs and feet. I think of myself that way many times.  Like a doll, I feel that sometimes some people in my life play with me until they grow bored then they just toss me to the floor and I lie there broken until somone else comes along to pick me up.  Then I am restored once more, the broken peices mended and healed and then it happens all over again.

I am stronger ( most of the time) than people give me credit for, but yet there is that part of my soul that is still fragile. It still has cracks all over it that have been mended many times over but the cracks are there just the same.

I have for no apparent reason been really depressive again, I hate my bipolar disorder sometimes.  On top of that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder so when I see my physchatrist later in the month ( or next month I forget which) it will be time once again to up the antidepressants.  The thing is Im finding myself once again in a place where I just don’t want to feel anything at all.   I love to meditate to the Korn song “Alone I Break” and when I feel like this the lyrics seem to fit my mood pefectly.  Sometimes I just don’t want to think about what I’m feeling.  I certainly have plenty of wonderful people to talk to, but I don’t feel like talking about what Im feeling either.. the truth is I really don’t know what I’m feeling,  I just know I hate the way I feel.  “Morbid Tearz”  has always told me that  “everyone has their dark side” I normally don’t even acknowledge mine or at least not as much as I did when I was younger ( before 31) but today I feel as though that darkness is imprisioning me. ( yes I stole that from a Metallica song)  I don’t want to do anything stupid so no one needs to worry, and yesterday my therapist and I talked about it, I talked to my sponsor for something like 2 hours about it late last nite, I’ve prayed about it, heck I even got angry and started yelling at God to ” just fix me already dammit , stop testing me  cuz I’m starting to feel like Job here and its annyoning”

The thing is I feel as though once again I am loosing whatever firm grip I thought I had on sanity, once again that grip is feeling fragile.  I feel as though my feelings are a tangled up ball of knots and I don’t know where to start unraveling them.  I do feel guilty for complaing, I know so many people who really have reason to be upset, or depressed like my good freind R whose 10 year old has cancer, like the lady at my church who has cancer. Those people have every right and reason to complain but me ?  not so much…

I just hate the depressive side of bipolar I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I haven’t blogged in a while.. I haven’t felt like it.  Have you ever had so much stuff running through your mind, so many things you wanted to say but didn’t have the words for ??  I feel like that.  I sometimes feel as though I’m looking at myself from the outside and I am not liking what I see.  I feel at times, as though I am a prisoner in my own body, as though I should rip away every shred of my “shell” my outer self, my outer persona and just start over fresh.

I find myself being so angry far too often. I never used to get mad easily these days everything seems to set me off.  I sometimes don’t feel like talking to anyone, not being around anyone, so I isolate and that seems to make me feel better, then things really get worse because I start to feel alone.  Fear has crippled me this time, not my depression, but fear.  Its not a fear I want to give voice to, not one I want to acknowledge.  Its not to a point I never want to leave my house its not like that, but it is a fear of people in the sense of letting people know the real me.  So many parts of myself, so many things I keep hidden away from the world. Its like that song.. ” I don’t want the world to see me, cuz I don’t think that they’d understand, when everythings made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.”  I just want to know who I am.  I don’t think I even know anymore.   I know people are supposed to grow and change but lately I feel like a plant that has been closed off from the sun, given too little water, and too little love.  I feel stagnant.  I feel stuck.  I have no other words for this feeling.  Im just stuck, afraid to move back, afraid to go forward so I’ll just plop down where Im at and just sit for a while.