I am having one of the worst days ever.  Yes I mean that sersiously, Im so sick with this bug that I couldn’t go to my mental health appointment , (Im so sick that it hurts to breathe and having asthama that is really not good) and today was one of those days that I really really needed to go!!  My day started badly because of the bank.  Stupid bank was not open on Columbus Day ( which I knew would happen) but their computer had issues and was something like three days behind when they opened the next day which was a Tuesday ( at least according to the person I talked to) well said bank’s computer had said everything I had used my debit card ( which  I hardly ever use)  had been paid already and it hadn’t.  So thinking that the “availible balance” quoted to me was correct,  I took out money to pay bills and buy groceries and such. Well the next day I get a call telling me that my account is now overdrawn by 100 dollars.  ( great sarcasm meant ) so the bank informs me that I will be charged 8 dollars per day that it is overdrawn. So fast forward to today the bank decided to demand an advance that was not supposed to be due until Nov 5th,  so the bank took my entire ssi check for November and then informed me that I could not take any more advances because ” when your account is more than 13 days overdrawn that is suspened indefinatly.”  ( great… thanks jerks) Not bad enough you take all my money but then cut off any thing I could have used to get more money.  So I call my mom and ask her if she can possibly send me money. Her and her fiance give his oldest son 1,000 buck a month and he can and does work!  She just gave my brother 2 grand to get a house ( and complained horribly about it but still gave it to him) she tells me ” all I can send you is 250 ( that pays 2 bills  and I will still be hurting to pay my other bills buy food etc) and then goes on to lecture me about getting money orders and not using payday place loans ( like I didn’t know that more on that in a minute) so I just say thanks I appricate it.  The thing that slays me with her is that she has a lot of money that she got from selling my grandparents house n such, but she wants to spend 5 grand on getting siding for her house, which I can understand her wanting something for herself but the kicker is this: she doesn’t have walls on the inside of her house!! She hasn’t in 7 years!!!  I mean call me crazy but why the hell side the outside of the house when you have no walls???  I mean come on!!  Id be more worried about the inside of my house not the outside of it!  She said she wants to cut down on her power bills even though she stays at her fiance’s house most of the time. 

So she goes on to complain how if she knew that she’d be giving me and my brother money she wouldn’t have botherd getting this siding job done, she hasn’t even got them started on the work!! They have not done one thing yet and she worries over having the money for when they “get around to it”

Yes I realize taking those payday place loans are bad all around, but what other options do I have?  My ex hubby ruined my credit beyond repair and I don’t have anything saved up because all of my money goes to bills and buying what we need.   We don’t have a lot of extras or debts but the basic prices of bills keeps going up and up.  I can’t get credit cards or bank loans so when I need money I am stuck with check into cash type places.  Mom and I have had this talk before, she hates it when I ask for money and doesn’t always have it to give me, but she thinks that because she can live on virtually no money that everyone should be able to do that too.

See thing with my mom is this:  She does not eat. I mean doesn’t eat!! She eats once a day if even that ( she complains it kills her stomach she’s had eating disorders for years and years and doesn’t realize all the years she starved herself has made her unable to eat large amounts of food she eats less than a 2 year old!) she does not turn up her heat if its cold, she just piles on more clothes ( I can’t move when Im wearing 6 layers but I am looking into getting those snuggies) she has the lowest minutes possible on her cell phone, she only has her line and does not text anyone or get texts from anyone.  She doesn’t have kids to buy clothes for ( me and my brother are adults) she isn’t feeding a child, paying for any school books etc. So she really doesn’t get it. 

Then she made a comment that made me really upset, she told me that “this is why you shouldn’t waste your time and your money on stupid college, you should just work while K is in school all day and get what you can and if you need to find a cheaper apartment in a not so safe neighborhood then do it but college is a waste of your time.”  I told her I felt like I needed to get sick and let her go.  The reason this comment made me upset is because once again she is proving that she cannot be supportive of me, been the same shit my whole life and I don’t know why I keep expecting anything diffrent.

I told her when I started school that I want my degree ( I want more than one actually) because I can get a better job with one than without one.  Hell I can’t pay bills working some fast food job. Most jobs aren’t going to hire you when you can’t work nights or weekends ( and I can’t because I have no child care for those hours)   I have looked for cheaper apartments every time my lease comes up for renewal, but it is hard to find 2 bedroom apartments that allow pets in half way decent neighborhoods.   I refuse to live next door to pedofiles, or people cooking up dope, or questionable people who show up as having criminal records.  I don’t want to worry that if K goes outside to play that somone will take her and abuse her  or that if  I leave the door unlocked to get my mail that I will come home to find all of my things stolen.  Im not living in some apartment that I was told some girl lived in and some guy broke in and sexually assulted her and the landlords let him keep on living there even after he was convitcted! He got paroled and they let him live in the building!!  None of that is worth it to me at least not to save a lousy 10 or 15 bucks a month cuz that is all I would be saving. The place I live now pays for my water, and trash pick up so that is two bills I don’t have to worry about.  Until last winter my power bills were never more than 120 dollars a month.  Everything though has gone up in price and the bankrupt state of IL ’s idiot governor’s solution is to keep raising taxes on everything to help the state pay its bills which makes all of the bills and everything we need to buy to  up too.

So here I am living on the same income as I was 7 years ago and everything has went up but my income has not.  Fuck Face ( or FF  this is T’;s name for my ex hubby and it fits him perfectly) does not give a crap if  his kids go without.  Everytime I try to tell him and his wife that the kids need clothes etc I get “we got bills we can’t help”  I say nothing but I want to scream at him WTF?? You make 23 dollars an hour at your job!!! She gets her ssi ( she has MS) and works on the side ( and the sly ss doesn’t know she does this other job)  doing home health care for freinds of her mom’s it is just you and her , her kids are adults how the hell do you never have any money??? 

I guess I get angry because if he had the kids living with him, Id live in a one bdrm or even one room apartment and live as cheap as I could  so I could give him more money.  Hell they both drive cars with expenisive payments, everytime I see them they have on name brand clothes  and they don’t ever come get the kids to take them to their house ( saying they don’t have the gas money) so I have no idea why they think they need some 3 bdrm house rather than just having a 1 bdrm apartment with some or all the utilities paid.  Of course I get that their money is theirs and they should get to spend it as they want to, but when our kids need things they should be willing to make sacrifies. I sure as hell do.  I remember one winter they came to get K for xmas break, I didn’t have a winter coat because I had to buy the kids each one, here they come in his brand new truck and in matching Harley Davidson Leather Jackets.  Then he goes onto tell me how this truck payment is 380 a month.  I wanted to slap him I was so mad.  I mean there you are spending 380 a month for a car when you could get something much cheaper and I am going with no coat in 20 degree weather when I have ashtma because there is no money for a coat!!

FF has the same mentality my mom does the kids need just a minimal of everything.  Hell when I was growing up I had 1 pair of shoes ( tennis shoes) a windbreaker, a winter coat, 3 sweatshirts , 3 pairs of jeans and 3 tshirts that was it  oh and 6 pr underwear and 10 pr socks.  My mom’s mentality was that my brother and I could have that little clothing  and just wear the same outfit for 2 or 3 days then do laundry.  That was enough because God forbid that she didn’t pay the bills in full the day they were due!  She tried telling me to do that with K and N today actually she told me that. I told her “no I refuse because not only do kids make fun of you for not having anything, but then the teachers think your child is negelected as well.”  Not to mention as I try to tell her and FF you can’t wear long sleeves and pants in 90 degree humid hot IL summer weather, nor can you wear t shirts sandals and cut offs in the middle of 20 degree blizzards.  They both have the mentality that “the kids will be ok” and to make them just “make do” ( no wonder they get along so well, because they act just alike * rolls eyes*)

I am more like my dad, I am going to sacrifice so my kids can have things.  I have duct taped my shoes and worn them like that so I could buy my kids new shoes, I drive my cars till they fall apart and can no longer run,  I wear my clothes till they fall apart and if I have to live on cereal  and baked potatoes so that K can eat I do just that.  I am so tired of being told to “cut back on expenses” when its really not possible to do that.  Pay phones are nearly non existant anymore, the phone through the cable company is worse than a cell phone is and costs 38 bucks a month then its not with me if I have to run out.  There have been a few times that school has called saying K is sick and I haven’t been home and the poor kid has had to be at school for more than an hour before I got home to get the call.  I have went without cable but it makes me crazy to do so we don’t have a lot of good movies mostly disney things the kids have outgrown,  we don’t rent movies because we can’t afford to , we’ve seen everything at the libary all ready at least 5 times,  we don’t eat out, or go to movies, we don’t take vacations or have extra things to do so cable is the  only entertainment we get to have.   I was going to go through the phone company for my internet and apparntly they did not do what they said they would with the phone bill from when T n I were roomates and are telling me I still owe a 375 dollar bill ( ouch) and until I pay it off in full they won’t let me get dsl from them.  They don’t do cable at my apartment complex since the place won’t give them a franchise agreement for every apartment.

I use 90% of everything generic I keep the bills as low as I can, the only “new ” furniture we have in our house is K’s bed that  was a bday gift for her.  My mattress is now 2 years old but everything else?  Its all second hand, pawn shops, cast offs from the apartments out here,  or used furniture stores.  The majority of our clothes come from thrift stores, so I don’t see how I can “cut back” on much of anything.  I know the first thing I need to do is get rid of those payday place loans. 

The truth is my ptsd ( post tramatic stress disorder) has been bothering me lately ( mostly cuz I don’t want to deal with any of the stuff that caused it aka talk about it) and I have been getting so depressed again that I can’t get out of bed somedays..  I would have told Amy all of this ( my therapist) but I was too sick to go in.  I wish the doctor would call back already, my lungs feel like they will fall out of my sides!!  I did call the nurse helpline number I have and the nurse told me that its most likely muscle aches but when you have ashtma even a head cold can make you feel as though you have pain in the location of your lungs since they are having to work harder than normal so you can breathe.. great.. ( more sacrasm)  I just need to win the lottery ( gotta play it first) wish I could be lucky like my mom is at bingo, she plays every Sat and wins 400 dollars or more each time! ( lucky duck)