Yes I know I was all wallowing in the self pity sighs.. I’m over it now.  Im a grownup gotta suck things up sometimes.

The thing is I am usually good at managing my money and living within my means .  My mom and I got into a nice discussion this moring, and I made her speechless and for those of you that know my mom that’s a feat!  She always has to have the last word no matter how wrong she is.

She said :  “If you didn’t rely on that child support then you would never get yourself into these messes. And two if you saved your school checks when you did get them rather than spending them on things for the kids like extra clothes and such then you wouldn’t have these issues.”

I told her this” mom what do you suggest I do, because public aid, my apartment complex , housing and social security all count my child support against me,  yet if I don’t pay all of my bills out of the ssi and rely on the child support and then don’t get it on time or in the full correct amount then what?  Its not like my bills just go away, its not like I can just tell the power company sorry I don’t have any money to pay you and expect to still have my power.  And further more FF never tells me when he is laid off or when he has taken off of work for whatever reason so that I can budget accordingly and if I pay everything on the first then I have very little money to get groceries , gas for every week of the month and the stuff we need to run the house like personal hygene products and laundry soap.”

I know that those payday place loans are the worst things to take out but I have bad credit I have no savings because I trust few people to hang onto it for me, and if I have it then social security takes my checks if its more than one hundred or so dollars and when I ask you if I can borrow money for anything you get mad at me and usually you don’t have it but even when you do you act like Im asking you to give me a kidney rather than loan me money that I can pay back so much out of each check.”  She had nothing to say about that.

We ended on a nice note though so least she’s not mad.  I guess for me Im diffent than P is with his mom. He and his mom don’t see eye to eye either but he accepts it doesn’t care what she thinks about anything and goes on with his life.  For me, my mom’s lack of  love leaves me with a big hole in my heart that I can’t seem to patch up. 

See my mom was 17 when she got married and then had me, so Im not sure if the stress of being a teenage mom did it to her or what did, but after my bio dad died she was abusive to me and she admits it to an extent.  She has always treated me like she could care less if she had me. I’ve never felt as though she had my back.  The one person that is supposed to always support you, defend you , comfort you is your mom.  Mine just doesn’t do that.  Oh I could tell you horror stories  to illustrate my point but many of those things are painful and private and I don’t want to think about them let alone talk about them. 

Thing is my younger brother S and I share the same mom, his dad was my stepdad and she treats S like he is the goose that lays the golden eggs.  He can ( according to her) screw her over time and time again, yet she still does things for him.  S told me when he stayed here that she does that to him too, but he just knows how to guilt trip her better than me lol.    Both of us agree that when she is old and frail neither one of us is going to take care of her and we tell her so.

That’s one thing that upset me with her too, the thing with my grandparents. She never wanted to hire in home care for them, but complained all of the time about having to take care of them.  I always told her if she didn’t want to do it she just should have said no.  But she never did and she refused to let anyone else help her because she wanted everyone to do things the way she wanted them done.  With my mom its all her way or the highway.

I just tire of people telling me that everything seems so simple when it really doesnt…