I like my isolation, or at least I thought I did.   Ok I like it and I don’t.  I saw some ppl I really like from  group at the mall trick or treating with their kids and I realized how much I miss having people around me.  Then Dar and I were chatting and she said “you lock yourself up in the house because you’re worried about being around people cuz they may drink” I told her that’s not the reason, but that’s the reason I give people because it sounds better than the real reason. Then I proceeded to tell her the real reason.

Ever since that crap happend with Jason and Stacy and then with A I just don’t want to be freinds with people because I don’t want to deal with the rejection. I don’t want to deal with the fact that I don’t want to be used and not realize it because I never realize it until its way way too late.  I hate it when I think I am freinds with somone, that they care about me, that they like me they want to hang out do things toghter etc and it turns out that they only want what they can get out of me. 

Another thing  too is the minute I ask them for anything no matter how minor it is, they make me feel like Im asking for a kidney.  Yet I do for them, give them a place to stay or food, or babysit all the time, let them use my car, give them money when they need things, hang out with them at the expense of my homework getting done, or being with my own kids a lot more,  ( I spend a lot of time with my kids) I think its hard to because most people work, or go to school at an actual school not just online, so here I am with this free time all day long nothing to do and am lonely, by the time people get off work they are tired ( understandbly) and don’t want to socialize.  They have their own kids and spouses to spend time with and do things with they have to make dinner run the kids to whatever they do after school and they don’t have time to be sociable.  ( again understandable) 

But it starts off with them making time for me,  hanging out with their kids my kid and such then it dwindles down to less and less time and I end up feeling really hurt and used up like a kleenex. Use me and toss me.  See the thing is none of my freinds in Gburg do that NONE of them.  But here??  I haven’t been so lucky.

Then there is me and my daughter’s little “issues”  K does ok for a while then her issues start coming out in full force and people will and have actually not wanted her around and I’m not going to pick my freinds over my child.  Then there are the issues I have had in the past with other people’s kids as well.

I love kids, I mean geniually love kids.  But what I don’t always like is the way some parents allow their kids to behave in my home.  I don’t allow small children to use my electronic equipment; my computer, dvd player, digital cameras etc.  I teach my daughter to respect my stuff not to go into my room and bother things that are not hers.  A would allow her kids to use whatever of mine they wanted to, no matter what I said.  Her kids are allowed into her closets to play with computers she lets her 5 year old carry her laptop from room to room.  The last straw for me watching her kids was that  AM, & K were playing with my digital camera one day  after I told them not to use it.  T decided he wanted to use it they tried to keep it from him,  he grabs it runs into the kitchen and then when I ask for it he throws it on the floor smashing it.  The telephoto lens popped all the way out the camera broke in half.  I told A and she blew it off as no big deal saying M had broken 2 of their cameras.  I was beyond mad.

MM was the same way when she’d bring her kids over,  she wanted to get on the computer and just veg or just visit and not expect her kids to follow any rules.  I have raised K that when you go to other people’s homes you follow their rules and you pick up behind yourself.  Also there is the other thorn in my side with parents and their kids. They sometimes feel that  because I’m a stay at home mom that I’m a free day care.  They never offer to host the play dates or let K stay the night at their house, they never offer to run the kids to do things they want to do such as skating or going to the pool.  After awhile I get to feeling used and hurt and when I try to say anything I get blown off or am meant with an attitude.  MM and A both would get pissy everytime I would ask them to host a playdate or something A even told me once “you don’t work its not like you have anything to do”   The fact that I am at home for my kids is lost sometimes on people.  Many times people think that if you’re a stay at home mom you have nothing to do, and should be willing to babysit whenever it is needed. ( which is a load of crap)

Then there is the issue with my self esteem.  Growing up all I ever heard was that I wasn’t good enough.  I wasn’t ; pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough, poor enough, funny enough, that I was too depressive or too attention seeking I was never enough no matter what I did or what I tried to do.  When you’re own mom is telling you “no one wants you around, you’re not good for anything” how are you supposed to feel good about yourself?  Then both FF and J would sit there and tell me all the time how worthless I was and when people have ended freindships with me they have said some ugly nasty things in order to hurt me.  I can’t get those things out of my head and I just don’t want to open myself up for more pain and more rejection.