Despite having this bug  I cannot seem to get rid of ( Ive been sick for a week straight ugh, at least I get to go to the doctor tommow) I got to hear one of my favorite old school Jagged Edge songs today ( though I prefer the remix version , the one that’s more a fast paced rap song ) I still love the song “Let’s Get Married”

“Meet me at the alter in a long white dress, we aint getting no younger we might as well do it, I’ve been feeling you all the while girl I must confess, girl let’s just get married, I just wanna get married…”

What girl doesn’t want to hear that from a man?  ( Ok there are some girls that don’t want to hear it)  I had someone ask me the other day why Phil and I aren’t married yet, after dating off and on for the last 7 almost 8 years.  The timing has never been right for some reason or another.  He really hasn’t wanted to be married while in the military because of all the deployments and such  I personally would not have minded that.  Then he has told me a lot of deep dark personal reasons a lot of reasons similar to my own for being hesitant to belive that someone can actually love him for who he is the way he is with no “conditions” being applied to that love.

For me romantic love has been elusive for a long time until I met Phil that is.  The reasons were many, and sometimes complicated but a lot of it was that either I was “settling” for less than what I wanted in a partner just to be with somone so I didn’t have to be alone, or the person I would be with would always want me to be somone else.

My ex hubby used to tell me all the time that he liked “full figured redheads” what then did he do but pick me a blonde with an average  not full figured body. With a lot of the other guys it was ” skinny goth girl, ” or they wanted a  BBW ( Big Beautiful Woman) or Jason’s “ultra skinny brunette or blonde that looked like something out of Playboy” none of those things described me at all.  Then there was always something with my personality or I didn’t have enough money, or wasn’t submissive enough it was always something.  Whatever it was though I was never “enough”  the person I was dating would lie to me, use me , cheat on me, sometimes abuse me. So needless to say that when Phillip and I met I was not looking for love I had all but given up on finding that type of love.

I had exprienced that all consuming heart stopping “this is the love of my life” type of love before and that is what I really wanted and could not seem to find.  The first five minutes he and I talked I had this feeling of having known him my whole life. We were typing the same things at the same time, and finishing each others sentences.  So I knew that if nothing else we’d be good freinds.  But even though I never meant for it to happen I fell in love with him. Acutally that happend when I very first met him which had never happend to me before.

We were on yahoo IM with our mutual bff Morbid Tearz or (MT) we were also both seperatly talking to her as well and she showed us that at the same time we both sepratly msged her ” I think I could spend the rest of my life with him/her” .  The more I got to know him the more I wanted to be with him. I wanted to belong to him, heart mind body and soul I wanted that all consuming passionate love that I had read about in novels and had never exprienced.

No matter what has happend in my life or in his life we always find our way back to each other.  Its nothing I’ve exprienced before (not even with FF ) in a  romantic relationship, having somone that really does stand by you when things go bad. Usually when things go bad my s.o. has ran off the other way ( usually screaming loudly) Phillip though has stood by me no matter what.  That gives me faith in our relationship, gives me confidence that we can make it through anything that comes our way.  Its a nice feeling.