I will be glad when I am over my illness and my sleep is back on track.  I am so exhausted all day long so I rest thinking I will get the rest I need and then sleep later on at my normal time, but of course that does not happen. What does happen is that I end up being up half the night unable to sleep thus starting the vicous cycle all over again. sighs..

I am watching the Dutchess (again) why is it that even  when those we love hurt us, betray us, wound us,  that we still miss them, or whatever part of them we thought we had.  Why do we long to be with somone who hurt us in some way.

Even though A hurt me by some of the things she used to say, or how I felt she wasn’t there for me when I needed her to be I do miss her.  She took her freindship away without talking to me about it and I feel that whatever diffrences we had could have been worked out had I been aware of the fact that they were ruining our relationship.

I think maybe the problem lies with me in some ways.  I want my friendships to be the way they are with my Gburg girlfreinds, and yes while some may argue it took years to develop those freindships into that way, the truth is with Crssy, Vicky, Darlene, Tracy those strong ties and such were there at the first.  We always had those connections they were true freinds.  They did not do that whole “fair weather freind ” thing , not once.  I have lofty expectations or so I’m told that  every freindship I have should be like that.

I also don’t really know how to have friends.  My dad’s freinds were all people that did Martial Arts with him,  they got togther to play cards, or workout.  My mom didn’t have freinds because she doesn’t really like people and the one or two freinds she did have she would get togther with for coffee while their kids and we kids were in school.

I’ve only seen freindships played out  on tv, how they interact  with each other, but for the most part those freindships may be full of ups and downs but they are also togther all of the time. Maybe I am too needy, too desperate for attention or time or compainonship.  I think that sometimes part of the problem is that I don’t work outside of the house, and lets face it there are so few stay at home moms anymore to hang out with during the day when I have so many hours free.  School does take up time yes, but not to the extent that a job would.  Not working is a mixed blessing to be sure.  I mean when I had to work all day I worked my tail off,  I would go home tired, exhausted just drained and have to make dinner , spend time with the kids, clean the house basically work another 8 hours run on 4 -6 hours of sleep a night only to get up and do it all again.

Now I can sleep 8 hours ( usually end up sleeping too much) and I can typically do everything I need to do in the course of the day without rushing around feeling like a madwoman.  But on the other hand I feel empty.  I don’t feel fullfilled every day the way  I did when I worked.  I have tried working since being on my disability but with all of the phsyical stuff with my back and my fibromylgia pain ( the doctor has yet to dignose that but they think that is what it is) its damned near impossible to work. Not to mention I loose my ssi and cannot afford to live on less money than I now do, and  jobs anymore are always part time which usually doesn’t mean certain number of guaranteed hours each week. Not to mention that I have to pay out for daycare which would take up most of my money.

It is hard though to be an at home parent mostly because there are so few people who are.  So the time I have during the day where I am lonely, bored, unmotivated, unproductive, have nothing to fill my time with that I could have time to spend with freinds doing things is gone away, blown away like fall leaves in the wind.  When other people work all day long they come home tired and need to spend time doing other things.  Things with their families, their own housework and such, and I understand it I do.  So I find myself more and more in the position of being alone, being lonely being without freinds.

I think too another thing that makes it difficult is that I no longer drink, or care about going to bars.  I prefer to do things with my kids, family things, things that can be done at home like watchign movies not things that have to require money.  So in part I have to wonder if my having freinds isn’t my fault on some level.  I don’t have anyone to watch K so I can do things, I don’t drink or go to bars anymore, I prefer to dance at home where I don’t have to deal with stupid drunken idiots.

At times I feel torn apart, like one part of me feels as though Im older than 36, like I’ve lived too many lifetimes and know too much, yet  another part of me still feels like Im 16.    16 without any knowledge for my years, not knowning how to be, how to act, what to do, what to think , or feel or how to handle anything at all.

Aren’t parents supposed to teach you those things?  My parents tried I’m not saying they didn’t, but I think my parents had to work so much that they didn’t have the time they needed to teach me or my brothers anything.  All we know is that we are supposed to have good work ethic. That no job is “not good enough”  you take any job no matter how menial and you work hard at it even if you hate it.   But there are so many things I feel as though I don’t know; how to have healthy relationships, freindships, how to manage stress, how to live on a budget, how to provide for my kids how to have a close loving family, how to cook from sratch not this open a box and add whatever to make things.

Many things I’ve learned on my own, but freindships relationships and managing stress?  Those things I still cannot figure out.  Maybe when I’m 46 I will be better at that.