I am a surivior of domestic violence. Its not only women that get abused men do too.
It does not make you less of a man to be abused by a woman any more than it makes you more of a man to hit a woman. The thing is ppl don’t understand all of the dynamics involved.
Prince or Princess not so charming does not tell you on the first date…”Hey in 6 months I’m going to call you a fucking worthless whore throw you up against a wall and beat the shit out of you so bad your own momma won’t reconize you.”
Because if they did that you’d never go out with them.
What they do is romance you, they build you up with loving words and gestures.. then they start to make little digs at you things like.. “oh are you going to wear that to meet my parents, it doesn’t flatter you.” Then they isolate you from your freinds/family.. “oh you know your sister doesn’t like me, I don’t want you to go out with her and hear all these horrible things about me.”
If you see a freind from high school in the store and say hello its”who the hell is that guy, what the hell are you sleeping with him???”
The phone calls of” Hey you weren’t home when I called you today, who were you with what were you doing, who saw you there..?”
These things keep building up over time by the time they are phsyically abusing you, they already have total control over you.
When you try to leave they beat the hell out of you, or threaten to take your children away from you forever, or to kill the children or kill you. It takes on average 6 times for a woman to attempt to leave before she finally does.
The moment a woman decides to leave is the most dangerous time for her the other most dangerous time for her is when she is pregnant.
When you try to leave your abuser sees that as a threat to his control over you. Its hard to leave when you have no money, no resources, no one willing to help you out.
There is that sense of fear that tells you “maybe you did something to deserve this.. because after all he’s not always like this…”
It starts off with him being tense about something.. * like you burned dinner two nights ago* then he gets mad at his boss and comes home to find you caring for a screaming baby with an ear infetion and the house a mess.. He then tells you what a worthless* insert a lot of explitives* you are and how the hell hard is it to keep the house clean when you don’t work outside the house * because he won’t allow you to or gets you fired from your jobs* Then he hits you. He grabs you by the back of your hair and shoves you face first onto the floor. He ignores the baby who’s now wailing bloody murder in his playpen while he climbs on top of you and beats the living daylights out of you.
Its hard to leave when you have been made to belive that you are so worthless that you deserve every verbal abuse, every hit, every slap, every bodyslam, every time you’ve been choked until you’ve passed out, every time he’s thrown you into a wall and gotten so close you can feel his breath on your face telling you that “if you ever do that again I will kill you in your sleep”
Its hard to leave when your abuser tells you he will take your kids and have you charged with abandoning them if you leave, then you’ll never see your kids again, or worse he’ll kill the kids so you’ll have no reason to live and will do him and everyone else a favor and kill yourself.
Your self esteem takes a beating, your phsyche takes a beating. Your mind shatters into so many fragmented peices that all the kings horses and all the kings men could not put you back toghter again.
Domestic Violence is never ok. There is never any reason for somone who loves you to hurt you in any way.
It is never the victims fault that they are in an abusive relationship. No one likes to be hurt no matter what some ppl think.. some folks think if you stay with an abuser or you end up with another abuser that you must like to be hurt but that is not true.
Its more like you fear for your life and have no self esteem, you feel as though you deserve to be treated that way, and the abuser tells you all of the time that you do. He will tell you that you’re ; crazy and ugly and fat, stupid, lazy, worthless , a whore and so unworthy of love and affection and no one else but him would ever put up with you.
I’ve had many beatings at the hands of my two abusive ex’s. One was my now ex husband, one was a now ex boyfreind .
My ex hubby never hit me or controlled me or verbally abused me till we got married.
The two worst beatings from both men.. * one from each* I ever got I still remember; Ex Hubby: The first one was when I was pregnant with my daughter.
I was upstairs putting away baby gifts that his parents had brought over for us. I’m 8 months pregnant in July its hot as hell outside Im tired, sleepy and all I want to do is take a nap . But no…. I have to put these things away right now because he doesn’t want to be botherd. He worked all day and he’s tired.
So Im upstairs and putting away baby clothes. He comes into the room asking me when I plan to make dinner.
Well Im not feeling good anyways which is normal when you’re 8 months pregnant but I was really angry at the idea of having to do something more when I had been going since 6 am that day never having a moment to just put my feet up and rest.
The worst of this is Im on DR’s orders for partial bed rest. That means Im supposed to be resting.
Well being in the mood I was in.. I say..”look Dan, Im tired, Im hot, why don’t you just go and pick up something for us? Don’s is just down the street and if you call in the order they’ll get it ready for you and you can just pick it up.”
So what I get is..” you stupid fat lazy fucking bitch. You don’t do a goddamned thing all fucking day this house is a fucking mess when my parents come over and now you’re too fucking lazy to cook fucking goddamned dinnner???”
Then he lunges at me.. I mean we’re talking like Roman Gladiator spear move folks. So I move as best I can, he rams his shoulder smack into the wall. The next thing I hear is “you’re going to pay for that bitch”
Im attempting to go down the stairs and make it to the middle part which is a landing.. and he comes up behind me shoves me down the damned stairs. Now we live in an older house, and have a great big metal floor cold air return register. I fall straight onto it right on my stomach, I have blood running down my legs, down my face and of course now he’s “sorry”
He calls an ambulance and tells them I fell. Im in so much pain and so scared to death Im going to loose my baby that I can’t tell them anything. Im hysterical and sobbing and a freaking bloody mess.
This buys me a few days in the hosptial thank god. But when I try to tell the Dr I dont want to see my husband he ignores me and says Im having “baby blues” I try telling the doctor that no my husband did this to me.. but the Dr doesn’t belive me.
My ex is a good freaking bullshitter. He can fool anyone. He’s so worried and concerned and so loving with our son that no one belives that of him. He tells everyone Im delusional about what happend that we were verbally aruging but that was it.
Well lucky for me one of the nurses did belive me and she told my hubby I needed rest so to let me rest or I’d be staying there a lot longer because I wouldn’t get well.
She had a lady from the domestic violence shelter come and talk to me. That day changed my life at that moment and my relationship with my husband from then on.
I mean he’s supposed to love me, we’re supposed to be happy about having this baby and he’s trying to kill me and my unborn daughter because he’s mad at me over something stupid.
It took me three more times of trying to leave after that.. * he tried to kill me that day the cops had to break in my front door* but thats another post for another time and place.
The other abuser; Jason.. stupid naive me.. had known him about 12 years. I had let him move in with me and my daughter, Im paying all the bills, bascially supporting him because he either wont work or gets fired from every job he gets.
I tell him”look this isn’t going to work out, this is not what we discussed not what we agreed to.” “You agreed to move here because you wanted a fresh start. It was supposed to be two months its been 6 months , I cannot take having to tip toe around your mood swings, your bossing me around telling me what to do in my house when Im paying all the bills. I would like you to leave, I will buy you a bus or train ticket back home and call your cousin and tell her to expect you.
Next thing I know big huge heman masters of the universe strong Jason who is 5;7/5’8 weighs 170 lbs all muscle is picking up 5’3 115 lb me and body slamming me to the floor. I had never been body slammed before ever. It was like getitng hit by a train.. * I’ve never done that but thats what I imagine it feels like*
He’s screaming at me..”listen you fucking bitch you’re not going to make me homeless you promised to take care of me, and if you make me leave or tell the cops I did this to you, I will nail all the doors and windows shut so you can’t get out and pour gasoline all over the house make a trail out the door and set fire to it with you and your daughter in it. You’ll both die of smoke inhalation in minutes with both of you having ashtma, you’ll have to watch your daughter die and there won’t be one dammend thing you can do about it.”
Needless to say I was happy as hell to be involed with DCFS at that point * thats another post but not because of wrong doing, but because of my special needs son moving into a group home..*
I had them boot his ass out. 3 months after he and I are done, I get a call from my case worker.. He apprantly moved in with another girl a single mom and hit her so hard he broke her jaw in three places.
Needless to say she was a client of my workers and the worker wanted me to talk to the judge about Jason’s abuse which I did in private chambers that was the only way I’d do it. The public defender he had balked and I told the judge.. “your honor this man threatend to kill me and my young daughter by saying he would nail all the doors and windows shut so we could not get out of the house then set it on fire. Your honor my daughter and I both have ashtma we would die in mere minutes and I am in fear of my life and more importantly the life of my child from this man.”
So the Judge let me testify in chambers just me , a court stenopgrapher, him and my social worker.
That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. But I never have regretted doing it.
I honestly know violence is never ok, but I think that they should teach us suriviors of domestic violence how to fight like those UFC guys. Cuz the next time some man wants to put his hands on me I want to be able to do some damage.
For me though I’ll be using Madea’s trick of “grit ball”
If you’re a fan of those movies you’ll know what I mean.. if not this is the plot.. * not word for word*
Madea’s great niece is being abused by some jerk of a man. Madea tells her baby a man ever hits a woman you get him into the kitchen where you got some hot grits bubbling on the stove. You make all nice like you want to give him a good breakfast you love cooking for your man. Then you put on your oven mits and you get a hold of the pan you toss the hot grits into his face.. then you pick up an iron skillet and make like you Venus and Serena Williams.. Toss and Smash I call it grit ball”
I still chuckle that that in the movie.. too bad doing it in real life would get you a jail sentence..
