I am coming more and more to the point that I want to hibernate from the day after Halloween until New Years Eve.  Wake me up when Thanksgiving and Christmas are over with!!! Bah Humbug!!

I have this attitude a lot these days and I keep getting asked the same thing: “where is your holiday spirit?”

I lost it along with ;my hopes that this economy was going to get better, my faith in humanity, my faith in politicians,  my hopes that this year would be better than the last, the hope that maybe my ex would wake up and be a better dad to his kids and stop being a selfish pig, the belife that I had that there weren’t people out there who lie, cheat steal and rip off the system, the hope that there are people out there that accept help only if they need it not go around with their hand out taking all they can get and then some, with the hope that I can finally have an ounce of self-esteem and that I don’t get those “urges” in my head to slam down the phone when I’m talking to my mom and she makes me crazy. Im telling you if I wasn’t an alcoholic  I’d spend the holidays diving my way to the bottom of a bottle of booze!!!  Spending my holiday season “wasted away again in Margritaville”  sounds fine and dandy even though I won’t allow myself   succumb to that.  Tequilla and Vodka are not really my freinds they never were they were just my party buddies.

The Holidays make me crazy because they are so stressful. Im a perfectionist as it is and its hard to let go of that, and then there’s this pressure to have the perfect dinner ( Damn You Norman Rockwell!!! You’re paintings of an “ideal” which no one can achive is responsible for this) to buy lots of gifts that are “just right” for the person you’re giving them to.

This year has been hard on nearly everyone.  How many people still send out those cheery Holiday newletters or notes in their cards:

“Jim got a promotion this year, while Jim Jr just graduated Harvard with an MBA, Little Suzy took first place in horse jumping, and I am busy with work, freinds and charity work, and our puppy Millie just had puppies.  We wish you all the best this Holiday season.” The Smiths

** Gag Me, shoot me, stab me in the eye with an ice pick ** ugh!!!!  Just once I want to read an honest to goodness newsletter from people that’s not so “perfect” that it makes me want to throw up.

“Well this year has totally sucked!! Jim lost his job of 15 years due to the Goverment’s lousy managment skills and the fact that his entire factory is moving to Tawaiin since that country’s taxes are less than America’s.  Jimmy Jr is working 2 jobs after a stint in rehab and a year in prison. It seems as though trafficking drugs is not as profitable as it once was, nor as safe, those cops saw him coming a mile away.  He went to his dealers house once too often and was going to work high, he failed his drug test and lost his job. Someone at work tipped off the police and he was court ordered to a rehab program.  We hope he can stay on the wagon this holiday season.  Little Suzy is pregnant with her 4th child!!  I don’t know where she finds theses “baby daddy’s” but I do wish she’d stop going on Jerry Springer to scream at them.  Its so embarassing when I go to work and my coworkers are watching that show and call me over “Hey Barb isn’t that your kid?”  I just want to hide in the ladies room until work is over.

Our dog Millie got ran over by our mailman, she never did like him and that idiot couldn’t drive a golf cart right.

I have been  productive at work, I have been so stressed out however that I don’t begin to relax until I am home and have had about 3 bottles of wine.  Jim thinks its going to turn into a problem  but I told him if it gets too bad I can always join our son at AA Meetings.  Hell what a great way to bond with your oldest child!!!  Sure beats taking them out to the woods to go hunting like our neighbors Skeeter and Scooter do with their kids.  I just can’t bring myself to shoot at bambi and thumper.  Last year Skeeter accidently shot his father in law in the butt.  I don’t want to risk that kind of “accident”  I did find a new cookie recipie too.. rum balls!!  Course the rum usually doesn’t make it into the cookies themselves, I have to taste it for consistency   Anyways  our Holidays will be intresting to say the least we are going to my sister in laws house and she can’t cook even though she’s insisting on it.. ( ugh) all I want for Christmas is a lot of  peptobisomol!!!

So I raise my glass of geg nog, oops reg, gon, I mean egg nog.. ( man these things pack a punch) and wish you  holidays of happinest, happies of holidays oh hell with it Merry Christmas. =)P

* now that’s a holiday letter * lol

Tommorrow is Vetern’s Day Happy Vetern’s day to all the Vets out there past , present and future. There are no words to express the gratitude I feel for each and every one of you who serve in our military and sacrifice all that you do. Thank You seems inadequate but it is all I have. Thank You.

I saw my shrink psychiatrist today we upped my anti depressants, common for me this time of year anyway but I did tell her that I have been really depressive.  My concentration is ok, but I have no motivation to do anything, excpet to sleep.  I am sleeping entirely too much only to find that I am awake all night because I have dozed off during the day. (ugh)  I did tell her that I realized this week that I keep people away on purpose.  I told her that I am so afraid to risk getting hurt emotionally that I find myself shutting down in regards to being around people.  She told me that she’d make a note of it in my file, to talk to my therapist about it at my next appointment ( Friday) and that maybe upping the anti depresants would help.   We talked about all of the various signs of depression and I told her that I have been on Web MD  reading about depression and I was surprised at how many things are symptoms of depression.

I knew that the loss of intrest and fatigue were both symptoms but I didn’t realize that the phsycial aches and pains were as well. Nor did I realize that not wanting to be around people was one either.  Dr M1 told me that when you’re depressed you often don’t want to see people, or do anything, nor do you feel phsyically well.  You can have bone crushing fatigue,  feel ill, ran down, headaches, stomaches all of that type of thing. 

Usually when I feel depressive I can pinpoint why I feel that way.  This time I can’t.  I honestly don’t know what is making me feel this way or why I feel this way, I just know that it hurts and I hate it.  Im hoping that the upped meds help Im sick of being overtired and antisocial.

I am totally beingn sarcastic when I say this but…

Why not make all of our energy Nuclear?  We can use plutonium, uraninum, everyone will die from the radiation expousure and we won’t need to pass any health care insurance legislature.

I will be glad when I am over my illness and my sleep is back on track.  I am so exhausted all day long so I rest thinking I will get the rest I need and then sleep later on at my normal time, but of course that does not happen. What does happen is that I end up being up half the night unable to sleep thus starting the vicous cycle all over again. sighs..

I am watching the Dutchess (again) why is it that even  when those we love hurt us, betray us, wound us,  that we still miss them, or whatever part of them we thought we had.  Why do we long to be with somone who hurt us in some way.

Even though A hurt me by some of the things she used to say, or how I felt she wasn’t there for me when I needed her to be I do miss her.  She took her freindship away without talking to me about it and I feel that whatever diffrences we had could have been worked out had I been aware of the fact that they were ruining our relationship.

I think maybe the problem lies with me in some ways.  I want my friendships to be the way they are with my Gburg girlfreinds, and yes while some may argue it took years to develop those freindships into that way, the truth is with Crssy, Vicky, Darlene, Tracy those strong ties and such were there at the first.  We always had those connections they were true freinds.  They did not do that whole “fair weather freind ” thing , not once.  I have lofty expectations or so I’m told that  every freindship I have should be like that.

I also don’t really know how to have friends.  My dad’s freinds were all people that did Martial Arts with him,  they got togther to play cards, or workout.  My mom didn’t have freinds because she doesn’t really like people and the one or two freinds she did have she would get togther with for coffee while their kids and we kids were in school.

I’ve only seen freindships played out  on tv, how they interact  with each other, but for the most part those freindships may be full of ups and downs but they are also togther all of the time. Maybe I am too needy, too desperate for attention or time or compainonship.  I think that sometimes part of the problem is that I don’t work outside of the house, and lets face it there are so few stay at home moms anymore to hang out with during the day when I have so many hours free.  School does take up time yes, but not to the extent that a job would.  Not working is a mixed blessing to be sure.  I mean when I had to work all day I worked my tail off,  I would go home tired, exhausted just drained and have to make dinner , spend time with the kids, clean the house basically work another 8 hours run on 4 -6 hours of sleep a night only to get up and do it all again.

Now I can sleep 8 hours ( usually end up sleeping too much) and I can typically do everything I need to do in the course of the day without rushing around feeling like a madwoman.  But on the other hand I feel empty.  I don’t feel fullfilled every day the way  I did when I worked.  I have tried working since being on my disability but with all of the phsyical stuff with my back and my fibromylgia pain ( the doctor has yet to dignose that but they think that is what it is) its damned near impossible to work. Not to mention I loose my ssi and cannot afford to live on less money than I now do, and  jobs anymore are always part time which usually doesn’t mean certain number of guaranteed hours each week. Not to mention that I have to pay out for daycare which would take up most of my money.

It is hard though to be an at home parent mostly because there are so few people who are.  So the time I have during the day where I am lonely, bored, unmotivated, unproductive, have nothing to fill my time with that I could have time to spend with freinds doing things is gone away, blown away like fall leaves in the wind.  When other people work all day long they come home tired and need to spend time doing other things.  Things with their families, their own housework and such, and I understand it I do.  So I find myself more and more in the position of being alone, being lonely being without freinds.

I think too another thing that makes it difficult is that I no longer drink, or care about going to bars.  I prefer to do things with my kids, family things, things that can be done at home like watchign movies not things that have to require money.  So in part I have to wonder if my having freinds isn’t my fault on some level.  I don’t have anyone to watch K so I can do things, I don’t drink or go to bars anymore, I prefer to dance at home where I don’t have to deal with stupid drunken idiots.

At times I feel torn apart, like one part of me feels as though Im older than 36, like I’ve lived too many lifetimes and know too much, yet  another part of me still feels like Im 16.    16 without any knowledge for my years, not knowning how to be, how to act, what to do, what to think , or feel or how to handle anything at all.

Aren’t parents supposed to teach you those things?  My parents tried I’m not saying they didn’t, but I think my parents had to work so much that they didn’t have the time they needed to teach me or my brothers anything.  All we know is that we are supposed to have good work ethic. That no job is “not good enough”  you take any job no matter how menial and you work hard at it even if you hate it.   But there are so many things I feel as though I don’t know; how to have healthy relationships, freindships, how to manage stress, how to live on a budget, how to provide for my kids how to have a close loving family, how to cook from sratch not this open a box and add whatever to make things.

Many things I’ve learned on my own, but freindships relationships and managing stress?  Those things I still cannot figure out.  Maybe when I’m 46 I will be better at that.

Despite having this bug  I cannot seem to get rid of ( Ive been sick for a week straight ugh, at least I get to go to the doctor tommow) I got to hear one of my favorite old school Jagged Edge songs today ( though I prefer the remix version , the one that’s more a fast paced rap song ) I still love the song “Let’s Get Married”

“Meet me at the alter in a long white dress, we aint getting no younger we might as well do it, I’ve been feeling you all the while girl I must confess, girl let’s just get married, I just wanna get married…”

What girl doesn’t want to hear that from a man?  ( Ok there are some girls that don’t want to hear it)  I had someone ask me the other day why Phil and I aren’t married yet, after dating off and on for the last 7 almost 8 years.  The timing has never been right for some reason or another.  He really hasn’t wanted to be married while in the military because of all the deployments and such  I personally would not have minded that.  Then he has told me a lot of deep dark personal reasons a lot of reasons similar to my own for being hesitant to belive that someone can actually love him for who he is the way he is with no “conditions” being applied to that love.

For me romantic love has been elusive for a long time until I met Phil that is.  The reasons were many, and sometimes complicated but a lot of it was that either I was “settling” for less than what I wanted in a partner just to be with somone so I didn’t have to be alone, or the person I would be with would always want me to be somone else.

My ex hubby used to tell me all the time that he liked “full figured redheads” what then did he do but pick me a blonde with an average  not full figured body. With a lot of the other guys it was ” skinny goth girl, ” or they wanted a  BBW ( Big Beautiful Woman) or Jason’s “ultra skinny brunette or blonde that looked like something out of Playboy” none of those things described me at all.  Then there was always something with my personality or I didn’t have enough money, or wasn’t submissive enough it was always something.  Whatever it was though I was never “enough”  the person I was dating would lie to me, use me , cheat on me, sometimes abuse me. So needless to say that when Phillip and I met I was not looking for love I had all but given up on finding that type of love.

I had exprienced that all consuming heart stopping “this is the love of my life” type of love before and that is what I really wanted and could not seem to find.  The first five minutes he and I talked I had this feeling of having known him my whole life. We were typing the same things at the same time, and finishing each others sentences.  So I knew that if nothing else we’d be good freinds.  But even though I never meant for it to happen I fell in love with him. Acutally that happend when I very first met him which had never happend to me before.

We were on yahoo IM with our mutual bff Morbid Tearz or (MT) we were also both seperatly talking to her as well and she showed us that at the same time we both sepratly msged her ” I think I could spend the rest of my life with him/her” .  The more I got to know him the more I wanted to be with him. I wanted to belong to him, heart mind body and soul I wanted that all consuming passionate love that I had read about in novels and had never exprienced.

No matter what has happend in my life or in his life we always find our way back to each other.  Its nothing I’ve exprienced before (not even with FF ) in a  romantic relationship, having somone that really does stand by you when things go bad. Usually when things go bad my s.o. has ran off the other way ( usually screaming loudly) Phillip though has stood by me no matter what.  That gives me faith in our relationship, gives me confidence that we can make it through anything that comes our way.  Its a nice feeling.

I like my isolation, or at least I thought I did.   Ok I like it and I don’t.  I saw some ppl I really like from  group at the mall trick or treating with their kids and I realized how much I miss having people around me.  Then Dar and I were chatting and she said “you lock yourself up in the house because you’re worried about being around people cuz they may drink” I told her that’s not the reason, but that’s the reason I give people because it sounds better than the real reason. Then I proceeded to tell her the real reason.

Ever since that crap happend with Jason and Stacy and then with A I just don’t want to be freinds with people because I don’t want to deal with the rejection. I don’t want to deal with the fact that I don’t want to be used and not realize it because I never realize it until its way way too late.  I hate it when I think I am freinds with somone, that they care about me, that they like me they want to hang out do things toghter etc and it turns out that they only want what they can get out of me. 

Another thing  too is the minute I ask them for anything no matter how minor it is, they make me feel like Im asking for a kidney.  Yet I do for them, give them a place to stay or food, or babysit all the time, let them use my car, give them money when they need things, hang out with them at the expense of my homework getting done, or being with my own kids a lot more,  ( I spend a lot of time with my kids) I think its hard to because most people work, or go to school at an actual school not just online, so here I am with this free time all day long nothing to do and am lonely, by the time people get off work they are tired ( understandbly) and don’t want to socialize.  They have their own kids and spouses to spend time with and do things with they have to make dinner run the kids to whatever they do after school and they don’t have time to be sociable.  ( again understandable) 

But it starts off with them making time for me,  hanging out with their kids my kid and such then it dwindles down to less and less time and I end up feeling really hurt and used up like a kleenex. Use me and toss me.  See the thing is none of my freinds in Gburg do that NONE of them.  But here??  I haven’t been so lucky.

Then there is me and my daughter’s little “issues”  K does ok for a while then her issues start coming out in full force and people will and have actually not wanted her around and I’m not going to pick my freinds over my child.  Then there are the issues I have had in the past with other people’s kids as well.

I love kids, I mean geniually love kids.  But what I don’t always like is the way some parents allow their kids to behave in my home.  I don’t allow small children to use my electronic equipment; my computer, dvd player, digital cameras etc.  I teach my daughter to respect my stuff not to go into my room and bother things that are not hers.  A would allow her kids to use whatever of mine they wanted to, no matter what I said.  Her kids are allowed into her closets to play with computers she lets her 5 year old carry her laptop from room to room.  The last straw for me watching her kids was that  AM, & K were playing with my digital camera one day  after I told them not to use it.  T decided he wanted to use it they tried to keep it from him,  he grabs it runs into the kitchen and then when I ask for it he throws it on the floor smashing it.  The telephoto lens popped all the way out the camera broke in half.  I told A and she blew it off as no big deal saying M had broken 2 of their cameras.  I was beyond mad.

MM was the same way when she’d bring her kids over,  she wanted to get on the computer and just veg or just visit and not expect her kids to follow any rules.  I have raised K that when you go to other people’s homes you follow their rules and you pick up behind yourself.  Also there is the other thorn in my side with parents and their kids. They sometimes feel that  because I’m a stay at home mom that I’m a free day care.  They never offer to host the play dates or let K stay the night at their house, they never offer to run the kids to do things they want to do such as skating or going to the pool.  After awhile I get to feeling used and hurt and when I try to say anything I get blown off or am meant with an attitude.  MM and A both would get pissy everytime I would ask them to host a playdate or something A even told me once “you don’t work its not like you have anything to do”   The fact that I am at home for my kids is lost sometimes on people.  Many times people think that if you’re a stay at home mom you have nothing to do, and should be willing to babysit whenever it is needed. ( which is a load of crap)

Then there is the issue with my self esteem.  Growing up all I ever heard was that I wasn’t good enough.  I wasn’t ; pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough, poor enough, funny enough, that I was too depressive or too attention seeking I was never enough no matter what I did or what I tried to do.  When you’re own mom is telling you “no one wants you around, you’re not good for anything” how are you supposed to feel good about yourself?  Then both FF and J would sit there and tell me all the time how worthless I was and when people have ended freindships with me they have said some ugly nasty things in order to hurt me.  I can’t get those things out of my head and I just don’t want to open myself up for more pain and more rejection.

Yes I know I was all wallowing in the self pity sighs.. I’m over it now.  Im a grownup gotta suck things up sometimes.

The thing is I am usually good at managing my money and living within my means .  My mom and I got into a nice discussion this moring, and I made her speechless and for those of you that know my mom that’s a feat!  She always has to have the last word no matter how wrong she is.

She said :  “If you didn’t rely on that child support then you would never get yourself into these messes. And two if you saved your school checks when you did get them rather than spending them on things for the kids like extra clothes and such then you wouldn’t have these issues.”

I told her this” mom what do you suggest I do, because public aid, my apartment complex , housing and social security all count my child support against me,  yet if I don’t pay all of my bills out of the ssi and rely on the child support and then don’t get it on time or in the full correct amount then what?  Its not like my bills just go away, its not like I can just tell the power company sorry I don’t have any money to pay you and expect to still have my power.  And further more FF never tells me when he is laid off or when he has taken off of work for whatever reason so that I can budget accordingly and if I pay everything on the first then I have very little money to get groceries , gas for every week of the month and the stuff we need to run the house like personal hygene products and laundry soap.”

I know that those payday place loans are the worst things to take out but I have bad credit I have no savings because I trust few people to hang onto it for me, and if I have it then social security takes my checks if its more than one hundred or so dollars and when I ask you if I can borrow money for anything you get mad at me and usually you don’t have it but even when you do you act like Im asking you to give me a kidney rather than loan me money that I can pay back so much out of each check.”  She had nothing to say about that.

We ended on a nice note though so least she’s not mad.  I guess for me Im diffent than P is with his mom. He and his mom don’t see eye to eye either but he accepts it doesn’t care what she thinks about anything and goes on with his life.  For me, my mom’s lack of  love leaves me with a big hole in my heart that I can’t seem to patch up. 

See my mom was 17 when she got married and then had me, so Im not sure if the stress of being a teenage mom did it to her or what did, but after my bio dad died she was abusive to me and she admits it to an extent.  She has always treated me like she could care less if she had me. I’ve never felt as though she had my back.  The one person that is supposed to always support you, defend you , comfort you is your mom.  Mine just doesn’t do that.  Oh I could tell you horror stories  to illustrate my point but many of those things are painful and private and I don’t want to think about them let alone talk about them. 

Thing is my younger brother S and I share the same mom, his dad was my stepdad and she treats S like he is the goose that lays the golden eggs.  He can ( according to her) screw her over time and time again, yet she still does things for him.  S told me when he stayed here that she does that to him too, but he just knows how to guilt trip her better than me lol.    Both of us agree that when she is old and frail neither one of us is going to take care of her and we tell her so.

That’s one thing that upset me with her too, the thing with my grandparents. She never wanted to hire in home care for them, but complained all of the time about having to take care of them.  I always told her if she didn’t want to do it she just should have said no.  But she never did and she refused to let anyone else help her because she wanted everyone to do things the way she wanted them done.  With my mom its all her way or the highway.

I just tire of people telling me that everything seems so simple when it really doesnt…

I am having one of the worst days ever.  Yes I mean that sersiously, Im so sick with this bug that I couldn’t go to my mental health appointment , (Im so sick that it hurts to breathe and having asthama that is really not good) and today was one of those days that I really really needed to go!!  My day started badly because of the bank.  Stupid bank was not open on Columbus Day ( which I knew would happen) but their computer had issues and was something like three days behind when they opened the next day which was a Tuesday ( at least according to the person I talked to) well said bank’s computer had said everything I had used my debit card ( which  I hardly ever use)  had been paid already and it hadn’t.  So thinking that the “availible balance” quoted to me was correct,  I took out money to pay bills and buy groceries and such. Well the next day I get a call telling me that my account is now overdrawn by 100 dollars.  ( great sarcasm meant ) so the bank informs me that I will be charged 8 dollars per day that it is overdrawn. So fast forward to today the bank decided to demand an advance that was not supposed to be due until Nov 5th,  so the bank took my entire ssi check for November and then informed me that I could not take any more advances because ” when your account is more than 13 days overdrawn that is suspened indefinatly.”  ( great… thanks jerks) Not bad enough you take all my money but then cut off any thing I could have used to get more money.  So I call my mom and ask her if she can possibly send me money. Her and her fiance give his oldest son 1,000 buck a month and he can and does work!  She just gave my brother 2 grand to get a house ( and complained horribly about it but still gave it to him) she tells me ” all I can send you is 250 ( that pays 2 bills  and I will still be hurting to pay my other bills buy food etc) and then goes on to lecture me about getting money orders and not using payday place loans ( like I didn’t know that more on that in a minute) so I just say thanks I appricate it.  The thing that slays me with her is that she has a lot of money that she got from selling my grandparents house n such, but she wants to spend 5 grand on getting siding for her house, which I can understand her wanting something for herself but the kicker is this: she doesn’t have walls on the inside of her house!! She hasn’t in 7 years!!!  I mean call me crazy but why the hell side the outside of the house when you have no walls???  I mean come on!!  Id be more worried about the inside of my house not the outside of it!  She said she wants to cut down on her power bills even though she stays at her fiance’s house most of the time. 

So she goes on to complain how if she knew that she’d be giving me and my brother money she wouldn’t have botherd getting this siding job done, she hasn’t even got them started on the work!! They have not done one thing yet and she worries over having the money for when they “get around to it”

Yes I realize taking those payday place loans are bad all around, but what other options do I have?  My ex hubby ruined my credit beyond repair and I don’t have anything saved up because all of my money goes to bills and buying what we need.   We don’t have a lot of extras or debts but the basic prices of bills keeps going up and up.  I can’t get credit cards or bank loans so when I need money I am stuck with check into cash type places.  Mom and I have had this talk before, she hates it when I ask for money and doesn’t always have it to give me, but she thinks that because she can live on virtually no money that everyone should be able to do that too.

See thing with my mom is this:  She does not eat. I mean doesn’t eat!! She eats once a day if even that ( she complains it kills her stomach she’s had eating disorders for years and years and doesn’t realize all the years she starved herself has made her unable to eat large amounts of food she eats less than a 2 year old!) she does not turn up her heat if its cold, she just piles on more clothes ( I can’t move when Im wearing 6 layers but I am looking into getting those snuggies) she has the lowest minutes possible on her cell phone, she only has her line and does not text anyone or get texts from anyone.  She doesn’t have kids to buy clothes for ( me and my brother are adults) she isn’t feeding a child, paying for any school books etc. So she really doesn’t get it. 

Then she made a comment that made me really upset, she told me that “this is why you shouldn’t waste your time and your money on stupid college, you should just work while K is in school all day and get what you can and if you need to find a cheaper apartment in a not so safe neighborhood then do it but college is a waste of your time.”  I told her I felt like I needed to get sick and let her go.  The reason this comment made me upset is because once again she is proving that she cannot be supportive of me, been the same shit my whole life and I don’t know why I keep expecting anything diffrent.

I told her when I started school that I want my degree ( I want more than one actually) because I can get a better job with one than without one.  Hell I can’t pay bills working some fast food job. Most jobs aren’t going to hire you when you can’t work nights or weekends ( and I can’t because I have no child care for those hours)   I have looked for cheaper apartments every time my lease comes up for renewal, but it is hard to find 2 bedroom apartments that allow pets in half way decent neighborhoods.   I refuse to live next door to pedofiles, or people cooking up dope, or questionable people who show up as having criminal records.  I don’t want to worry that if K goes outside to play that somone will take her and abuse her  or that if  I leave the door unlocked to get my mail that I will come home to find all of my things stolen.  Im not living in some apartment that I was told some girl lived in and some guy broke in and sexually assulted her and the landlords let him keep on living there even after he was convitcted! He got paroled and they let him live in the building!!  None of that is worth it to me at least not to save a lousy 10 or 15 bucks a month cuz that is all I would be saving. The place I live now pays for my water, and trash pick up so that is two bills I don’t have to worry about.  Until last winter my power bills were never more than 120 dollars a month.  Everything though has gone up in price and the bankrupt state of IL ’s idiot governor’s solution is to keep raising taxes on everything to help the state pay its bills which makes all of the bills and everything we need to buy to  up too.

So here I am living on the same income as I was 7 years ago and everything has went up but my income has not.  Fuck Face ( or FF  this is T’;s name for my ex hubby and it fits him perfectly) does not give a crap if  his kids go without.  Everytime I try to tell him and his wife that the kids need clothes etc I get “we got bills we can’t help”  I say nothing but I want to scream at him WTF?? You make 23 dollars an hour at your job!!! She gets her ssi ( she has MS) and works on the side ( and the sly ss doesn’t know she does this other job)  doing home health care for freinds of her mom’s it is just you and her , her kids are adults how the hell do you never have any money??? 

I guess I get angry because if he had the kids living with him, Id live in a one bdrm or even one room apartment and live as cheap as I could  so I could give him more money.  Hell they both drive cars with expenisive payments, everytime I see them they have on name brand clothes  and they don’t ever come get the kids to take them to their house ( saying they don’t have the gas money) so I have no idea why they think they need some 3 bdrm house rather than just having a 1 bdrm apartment with some or all the utilities paid.  Of course I get that their money is theirs and they should get to spend it as they want to, but when our kids need things they should be willing to make sacrifies. I sure as hell do.  I remember one winter they came to get K for xmas break, I didn’t have a winter coat because I had to buy the kids each one, here they come in his brand new truck and in matching Harley Davidson Leather Jackets.  Then he goes onto tell me how this truck payment is 380 a month.  I wanted to slap him I was so mad.  I mean there you are spending 380 a month for a car when you could get something much cheaper and I am going with no coat in 20 degree weather when I have ashtma because there is no money for a coat!!

FF has the same mentality my mom does the kids need just a minimal of everything.  Hell when I was growing up I had 1 pair of shoes ( tennis shoes) a windbreaker, a winter coat, 3 sweatshirts , 3 pairs of jeans and 3 tshirts that was it  oh and 6 pr underwear and 10 pr socks.  My mom’s mentality was that my brother and I could have that little clothing  and just wear the same outfit for 2 or 3 days then do laundry.  That was enough because God forbid that she didn’t pay the bills in full the day they were due!  She tried telling me to do that with K and N today actually she told me that. I told her “no I refuse because not only do kids make fun of you for not having anything, but then the teachers think your child is negelected as well.”  Not to mention as I try to tell her and FF you can’t wear long sleeves and pants in 90 degree humid hot IL summer weather, nor can you wear t shirts sandals and cut offs in the middle of 20 degree blizzards.  They both have the mentality that “the kids will be ok” and to make them just “make do” ( no wonder they get along so well, because they act just alike * rolls eyes*)

I am more like my dad, I am going to sacrifice so my kids can have things.  I have duct taped my shoes and worn them like that so I could buy my kids new shoes, I drive my cars till they fall apart and can no longer run,  I wear my clothes till they fall apart and if I have to live on cereal  and baked potatoes so that K can eat I do just that.  I am so tired of being told to “cut back on expenses” when its really not possible to do that.  Pay phones are nearly non existant anymore, the phone through the cable company is worse than a cell phone is and costs 38 bucks a month then its not with me if I have to run out.  There have been a few times that school has called saying K is sick and I haven’t been home and the poor kid has had to be at school for more than an hour before I got home to get the call.  I have went without cable but it makes me crazy to do so we don’t have a lot of good movies mostly disney things the kids have outgrown,  we don’t rent movies because we can’t afford to , we’ve seen everything at the libary all ready at least 5 times,  we don’t eat out, or go to movies, we don’t take vacations or have extra things to do so cable is the  only entertainment we get to have.   I was going to go through the phone company for my internet and apparntly they did not do what they said they would with the phone bill from when T n I were roomates and are telling me I still owe a 375 dollar bill ( ouch) and until I pay it off in full they won’t let me get dsl from them.  They don’t do cable at my apartment complex since the place won’t give them a franchise agreement for every apartment.

I use 90% of everything generic I keep the bills as low as I can, the only “new ” furniture we have in our house is K’s bed that  was a bday gift for her.  My mattress is now 2 years old but everything else?  Its all second hand, pawn shops, cast offs from the apartments out here,  or used furniture stores.  The majority of our clothes come from thrift stores, so I don’t see how I can “cut back” on much of anything.  I know the first thing I need to do is get rid of those payday place loans. 

The truth is my ptsd ( post tramatic stress disorder) has been bothering me lately ( mostly cuz I don’t want to deal with any of the stuff that caused it aka talk about it) and I have been getting so depressed again that I can’t get out of bed somedays..  I would have told Amy all of this ( my therapist) but I was too sick to go in.  I wish the doctor would call back already, my lungs feel like they will fall out of my sides!!  I did call the nurse helpline number I have and the nurse told me that its most likely muscle aches but when you have ashtma even a head cold can make you feel as though you have pain in the location of your lungs since they are having to work harder than normal so you can breathe.. great.. ( more sacrasm)  I just need to win the lottery ( gotta play it first) wish I could be lucky like my mom is at bingo, she plays every Sat and wins 400 dollars or more each time! ( lucky duck)

not going to use their name~ wrote on Oct 28, 2009 8:46 PM:

” Hypotheticaly speaking,if a person currently draws ssi and rely’s on public aid, why would they even worry themself about how the the Governor gets money or how he intends on paying it back?Those people don’t contribute to paying taxes anyway. “

Me: Just because one “hypthoetically speaking” happens to be on ssi for disablitiy and recives a medical card ( the only public aid I happen to recive) does not mean they want to see their state goverement bankrupt everyone in the state! Just because I don’t have to pay taxes does not mean I don’t worry about the state’s or even the nations economy. I don’t live in a bubble, I pay attention to the world around me, and when I hit the polls to elect any goverment official; local, state or federal I like to be informed on all the issues and where each candidate stands or has stood in the past. Also if the Governor passes higher state sales taxes or imposes higher fees on license plate stickers that does affect everyone, including those of us who are on ssi and public aid. I hope that satisifes your question.

* Yes I realize I am a smart alek!!!!! >=) The reason I replied the way I did was because there was a blip in my local paper that I read online that said Governor Quinn wants to borrow more yes MORE money to pay Illinois bills that we can’t currently pay!!!

The other day someone made a comment that ” as somone that recives ssi is being kept afloat by their goverement shouldn’t complain as bitterly as you do”

Hmm really?? I should just sit back and watch while my goverment acts like a drunken pirate and pilages and plunders everyone’s wallets???

The truth is I am on ssi because I am unable to work. I techincally recive it for the mental illness I have because my back injury ( thank you united facilities and perfomance temps and applegate nursing homes) was not “upheld” by the places that caused and worsened the injury because they did not want to have to own up to the fact that I was hurt at their place of employment. The nursing home I got hurt being made to pick up somone that was a 2 person lift by myself!!! They got into their wheelchair ok, but I could not straighten back up, was taken by amublance ( that should have been their first clue something was wrong) to the hospital and was told I “possibly ruputerd a disk in my lower back” of course only 2 people would back me up that the charge nurse told me to do such a thing, and they got fired for being honest!! I quit that job (ingrates) took 6 weeks off work ( doctor’s orders ) to heal and went to work.

The re-injury happend the same time I took out my left knee ( which I had to have surgery on a few years ago, it healed and then eveually got worse until I needed surgery) I was working at united falicities, slipped on one of their dammed floor pallets took out my knee and had another fully loaded pallet fall on me, ( I was face down) the thing hit my lower back. Performance Temps would not own up to the fact the place they sent me injured me, and United Facillities paid all my medical bills and at the time I was uninsured so I didn’t try to fight it ( I know now I should have sued both places for whatever I could have gotten) The addiction to painkilers came from this injury, then when I was married ( ex hubby) thought it was a good idea once while fphyiscally abusing me to throw me down on our concrte front porch steps guess what part of my body landed on the steps?? Yep you guessed right my lower back. It has never been bad enough to need surgery but if my lower back hurts within 5 minutes my entire sciatic nerve is messed up so bad that it hurts to sit up or stand or do anything. I cannot usually stand more than 2 hours unless I am constanly moving or my back can and sometimes does lock up to where I cannot move!!

But since I didn’t need surgery I was told I could not get disabiltiy for it. My depression became so crippling at one point that I was in the hostpital twice in less than 6 months and could not get out of bed so my agent at social security told me to “use the bipolar disorder to get your ssi”

I have always prided myself on being an informed person. I am very patricotic and to me part of that patriotism means I need to be up on the issues, all of the issues I need to know what goes on in the world around me, not live in some bubble and close myself off from life ( though more and more that thought is beyond tempting to me I am starting to really truly hate yes I do mean hate people in general)

Just because I do not have to pay taxes does not mean that I want everyone in this country or in my state who does pay them to be bankrupt!! I do not want to see my children’s future pillaged and plundered until there is nothing left for them. I do not want to see a future that is black, dark and bleak, where there is no hope, no opprotunities. If taxes go up they don’t only go up on income , they go up on everything else. The cost of gasoline, food, goods and services. If the state raises its sales tax I still have to pay that. Just for the record the only way a person does not pay tax on food is if they are on food stamps which I am not.

Part of the reason I am starting to be so “anti people” is because I am so tired of being hurt. Anyone that knows me knows how I am; if somone is hungry I feed them, if they are homeless I want to house them, I do as much as I possibly can for others and I always have. For the most part I don’t get it back. The stuff that happened with Jason n Stacy was really the last straw for me, it broke the easy trust I used to have in people. I have still helped people since then, but sometimes I still get duped. Sometimes, people will just take away their friendship and not even tell me why, even though I have done countless things for them. Or I will babysit for them every single time they’ve needed me to, waited outside after school for their kid because they are too busy getting a pedicure or running around doing things and not paying attention to the time, but the second I have needed them to return the favor its like I’ve asked them to give me a kidney. They may do it but complain about it, they may say in a snotty tone of voice ” well I got K from school for you, I hope you don’t make this a habit?” I’ve usually apologized for making them inconivenced but in my head I’ve been screaming “excuse me??? all of the times I do things for you, heck I spend more time with your kids than you or their father does and you can’t return the favor once??” “Heck I pretty much raise your kids and the one time I need a hand you can’t be botherd???” Of course I am too nice to say that to anyone.

I can tell you the last time I got “duped” and it really upset me to no end.. I was in McDonald’s eating lunch, it was on one of them days where I’ve been running all day paying bills and such and had not eaten all day long. Outside the window I see a family of 5 standing by a beat up van, holding a sign saying “family stranded, broke and hungry please help” being the good samaritain I am, I tell the cashier to also give me 5 hamburgers, 5 bottles of water and 5 of their apple dippers and then ask her if somone can take the food to the family, she tells me how nice I am and says yes somone can take it out to them. I go to sit down and this guy sits next to me and says ” miss that was a really nice thing you did, but I have to tell you some bad news, I live down the street from that family they both have a decent paying job and they will take that old van of theirs that usually sits in the yard out and hold up that sign to get people to buy them and their kids a meal out someplace” He says he has called the cops numerous times but unless they are caught in the act there is nothing that can be done.

Now first of all I just mumble a thanks to him and go on eating, but I felt sick to my stomach. I don’t know if this guy was being honest (but then why would he lie about something like that) or if these people were really the type of people that would use their children to gain a meal out? Then I think about “balloon boy” look at how we all were duped by that family!!! The kids dad just wanted a reality tv show, he had no real emergency and had the nation in a panic looking for this child!!!

Not only a gross and inhumane use of the 911 emergency services but of the Amber Alert system that was issued when the boy went missing as well. There are people out there that do not care who they hurt and I have known more than a few of them in my lifetime. I just read a story today about this 67 year old man in Texas that did not know he won the lottery and gave the clerk at the gas station his winning ticket the clerk told him he won $2.00 and took the ticket and money for himself!!!!

It never occurs to me to hurt, abuse, or use anyone. Heck even if I am starving I don’t like to go to the food pantrys and ask for help because there is probaly somone out there that needs the help more than I do. ( that has only happend once to me thank goodness) Jason used to tell me how naive I was, how easy I was to fool and I told him “I am not navie, Im just not an uncaring, manipultive person who has no soul, I care about others and I could never purposely use or hurt somone just because I could because I couldn’t live with myself if I acted that way”

So back to the original thought of this post.. it does not matter to me that I don’t pay income taxes I do pay taxes on everything else and I certainly am suffering from this recesion as much as anyone else is.
Since I am a U.S. Citizen born and raised here, I think that I will continue to have an opinion even if other people don’t like it.